Patricia Williams Gorman has years of experience as a dementia care partner. She cared for her mother, Dessie, and later for her husband, Bob. Click here to learn more about her story >>

In this column, she will share advice on how to approach common caregiver challenges.

Q: My wife gets angry every time I start packing our bags to visit our grandkids. When I tell her where we’re going, she says she doesn’t want to go, even though I know she enjoys spending time with them. Sometimes she’ll even try to unpack our suitcase, but then she’s fine when we’re packing to go back home. Am I missing something? I just don’t understand where this is coming from.

Patricia: Traveling can already be stressful in the best circumstances, so I understand your frustration! But one thing I’ve learned is that while your wife’s behavior may not make sense to you, it does make sense to her. There is a reason behind it.

It’s interesting to me that she is aggravated when she sees you packing at home, but not when you’re headed back. So perhaps her reaction isn’t based on traveling, but specifically about leaving your home. The next time you’re getting ready to travel, try not to focus on what she’s saying or doing, but on how she’s feeling. Is she nervous about leaving the house? Is she afraid you might be dropping her off somewhere alone? Reassure her you both will be going and coming back together, and see if that makes a difference.

You can also engage her in the planning process. Ask her if she would like to go next week instead of this week, how long you should plan to stay, and what fun things you should do when you get there? Make a list of her responses – along with logistics like the time and date you are going, how long you will stay, and when you will come back – and put the list on the refrigerator or a place where she can easily find it.

Q: My parents have been living with me for the past few years, since my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Today, as I was trying to get him to eat lunch, he told me I’d better leave because his daughter doesn’t like strangers in the house. I am his only daughter, so this was devastating. I didn’t know what to do…and I definitely wasn’t about to leave him alone in my own home. I hid in my bedroom this time…but what should I do if this happens again?

Patricia: First of all, I want to acknowledge how painful it can be to have someone you love not recognize you. It’s a heartache unique to this disease. You did a great job keeping it together and figuring out a solution in the moment.

While keeping out of sight worked this time, I agree you may not be able to leave your dad alone for his own safety in the future. There are a few other ideas that come to mind. You can try distracting him by asking him questions about a topic he likes talking about, or putting on one of his favorite TV shows or movies to watch. You could even ask him to tell you more about his daughter, and enjoy reminiscing! Show him your picture and ask if the two of you look alike. Compare facial features. Depending on the time, you could ask what his daughter’s favorite foods are and if you could all eat together before you go. If he answers yes, ask if he could suggest a show that we can watch during the meal.

If he still recognizes your mom or another person in the home, they can also help reassure him that he is safe and it’s okay for you to be there. Avoid arguing or correcting him. While I know it’s so tempting to try and make him understand YOU are his daughter, arguing will only upset you both.

The Clinical Care Coaches at Alzheimer’s San Diego will work with you to develop strategies for tough situations like these. Give us a call at 858.492.4400 for the free support you need and deserve.