By Kara Jacobsen
Jay Mager and his wife, Simone, share a special bond. People often ask them why they hold hands all the time and how they’ve stayed so affectionate after more than 50 years of marriage.
Jay’s answer is simple: “It’s just what we do. That…and we’re French.”
Jay and Simone have a beautiful love story, one that’s grown stronger over the decades, even as Simone was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.
They both moved several times before coming to the United States. Simone grew up in Paris and Poland before landing in Los Angeles at age 14. Jay was born in Kassel, Germany, and moved to Paris where he lived for about 11 years before also settling in LA. They currently reside in San Diego, and have three children who all live here, too.
The couple first met at a Renaissance Fair in Los Angeles through a mutual friend. Jay describes the details of that day so clearly.
“The first dime I threw during a carnival game, I won, so I gave my prize to Simone.” However, there were other girls there, so he spent his next $5 winning prizes for them as well. “It was 1962, so it was quite the expensive night, but it was worth it,” he jokes.
And luck must have been on his side because it definitely won over Simone’s heart. The dates continued – and the rest is history.
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Simone says she loves spending quality time with Jay, who she describes as funny and warm. Even though she may not verbalize it, it’s clear how much she adores him.
Since the diagnosis, Jay has had to accept their new normal as a couple. But their love burns brightly, if in a different way.
Photo: Robin Harris Images
“I’ve lost my sous chef and walking partner. I still read the newspaper with her, but we aren’t able to have discussions about it anymore. Decision-making is gone, and it’s hard because she was always the one who made the decisions,” Jay explains. “While you haven’t lost companionship, you’re losing your companion.”
The conversation about the disease began early for them. Both Simone’s mother and aunt had Alzheimer’s, so it was always in the back of her mind.
In 2012, Jay began to notice a lot of question repetition, but it was a slow progression. Three years later, they received the official diagnosis of Mild Cognitive Impairment, which eventually developed into Alzheimer’s.
Simone was the one who first heard about Alzheimer’s San Diego. She had done some research on local resources, and together they attended a lecture we held at their synagogue.
She says she especially enjoyed attending weekly social activities with Jay at Alzheimer’s San Diego, and the different social outings we hold across the community. Every year, they also participate in the Walk4ALZ as a way to give back.
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For Jay, his support and discussion group at Alzheimer’s San Diego has been a lifeline. He is now an active member, although it wasn’t necessarily that way in the beginning…
“I don’t think I said a word for the first four or five times, except ‘Hi, My name is Jay’. But hearing people who had been there much longer, sharing without being afraid of a complete stranger, made me, over time, feel more comfortable,” he explains. “Once that barrier comes down, it’s like a breath of fresh air…now they can’t shut me up!”
Jay encourages anyone dealing with dementia to reach out to Alzheimer’s San Diego.
“Don’t go through it alone. At Alzheimer’s San Diego, the people are not just there to help you on the journey…they do the journey with you. Alzheimer’s is like being a first-time parent. You have no clue…you’re always learning,” Jay continues. “So having people here with experience has been a lifesaver. Even though it’s free, it’s worth millions of dollars.”
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While Jay has thrown himself into being a care partner, it’s hard to imagine letting go of his sweetheart. After all, Simone is still his best friend.
“I’ve passed most of the anger…but it’s hard not being able to fix something. In my family, I was always the fixer. I was worried we wouldn’t make it to our 50th anniversary. It was a milestone I was hoping for, but the fear of not making it there was very real,” he shares.
He is thankful they not only hit that milestone – they are now going on their 52nd anniversary. He leaves this last piece of advice for other care partners: “Be aware of the ending and make sure you express your feelings to say goodbye. Talk and don’t have any regrets, and when you say ‘I love you’ – mean it,” he says. “The journey is still there. It might not be the journey we planned, but it’s still there.”
