By Ellen Boucher

Congratulations – you have made it through to December 2020! For many of us, though, it does not feel like there is a lot to celebrate when it comes to this past year. We think back on opportunities lost, hard changes we were forced to accept, and are feeling the loss of traditions, big or small, we used to follow throughout the year, as well as those during this holiday season.

But am I referring to COVID-19, sheltering in place, political alienation, and a shortage of toilet paper, or am I referring to the losses and changes brought about by dementia? Perhaps, by looking at the first situation, we can better prepare for the second…and it all depends on the lens through which we view this past year. Considering this past year and its changes, both due to the pandemic and through the progression of cognitive impairment, through the lens of 2020 can be very disheartening. However, viewing this past year with 20/20 vision can bring a wealth of knowledge and tools to use in the future.

Talk to a Dementia Expert | Call 858.492.4400 for free support

One of the most common themes discussed this year has been about loss – the loss of our ability to do what we want, when we want, how we want. People felt that they could no longer live their lives to the fullest, or as care partners, could no longer provide the same level of care as they were used to giving. That was the 2020 experience. But now, let’s look at those thoughts and beliefs with 20/20 vision to find the value for the future.

The reality of life is that we have this moment. Each moment is a blank canvas upon which we create an experience and assign a value. When looking at our “moments” of 2020, we tend to judge the success (or lack thereof) through the values and resources with which we began the year. In January, we had a tremendous amount of resources – most of which we took for granted because they had always been available. By mid-March, though, we were beginning to lose resources at an alarming rate. Losing them for what we thought was a temporary period was bad enough, but as time moved on, our hopes of life to returning to “normal” as we used to know it became more and more bleak. By October we began speaking of a “new normal” and now we speak of a “next normal.”

However, even though we were aware of losing resources, we were still evaluating our efforts using the value system based on how life used to be rather than what the current reality was. That is like being upset with someone asked to bake six dozen cupcakes for the school bake sale, but they only brought one dozen because that was all the resources they had. As care partners, we must adjust to evaluating our results based on what we have to work with.

For someone living with dementia, this is their new “ongoing normal” – a continual loss of resources, especially within themselves. While we as care partners can learn to adjust to changes in resources, someone living with dementia will always be experiencing ongoing loss. It can be a struggle to deal with each moment, fill each moment, and at some point, even realize they have a moment. It will then be up to you to be able to fill both your moment and their moment.

Now is the time to begin filling your moments with 20/20 vision. Look at the resources available to you: within yourself, within your environment, and outside sources. Create a value system that takes into account what you have to work with and what you are feeling. Because you have less resources you have a lot more on your plate. This can add to stress and exhaustion levels. Be gentle with your grading system and gentle with how you treat yourself. Focus on what makes you feel successful, and use each incident that doesn’t feel like success to look at what you could try differently next time. Realize that there are times and situations when there is no right answer and be at peace knowing you did the best you could with what you had. Realize your results will continue to look different as time passes – and that is okay. The fact that you have made it to December 2020 says a lot about who you are: resilient, committed, and always wanting to be better. Sometimes being your best is learning to be okay in each moment, regardless of the outcome.

As we leave 2020 behind us, please know that we are here at Alzheimer’s San Diego to support you. We can help you practice 20/20 vision and create connection and peace in each moment, be it a moment of easy or a moment of hard. Together, we can create a better moment, and a better tomorrow!

This article was written by Ellen Boucher – a Dementia Care Consultant with Alzheimer’s San Diego. To get free support from a social worker like Ellen, give us a call at 858.492.4400 or contact us here. We’re here to help!